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Sexiest Man Alive

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Mallory Ortberg reveals the fate of David Beckham, Sexiest Man Alive.

Hugh. George. Matthew. Johnny. Ryan. Bradley. Channing. Pierce. Ben. Brad. He kept these names always at the forefront of his mind, naming each one at the pace of his breath and his feet. For as long as he could remember, he had been running.

We Are Not Worthy.

[Also features a glorious sideswipe at Tom Hiddleston.]

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